Notes on Returning to America after Twenty Years Away

Mail Call

One of the pleasures of living in a small, old-fashioned New England town is that it generally includes a small, old-fashioned post office. Ours is particularly agreeable. It's in an attractive Federal-style brick building, confident but not flashy, that looks like a post office ought to. It even smells nice—a combination of gum adhesive and old central heating turned up a little too high.

The counter employees are always cheerful, helpful and efficient, and pleased to give you an extra piece of tape if it looks as if your envelope flap might peel open. Moreover, post offices here by and large deal only with postal matters. They don't concern themselves with pension payments, car tax, TV licenses, lottery tickets, savings accounts, or any of the hundred and one other things that make a visit to any British post office such a popular, all-day event and provide a fulfilling and reliable diversion for chatty people who enjoy nothing so much as a good long hunt in their purses and handbags for exact change. Here there are never any long lines and you are in and out in minutes.

Best of all, once a year every American post office has a Customer Appreciation Day. Ours was yesterday. I had never heard of this engaging custom, but I was taken with it immediately. The employees had hung up banners, put out a long table with a nice checkered cloth, and laid on a generous spread of doughnuts, pastries, and hot coffee—all of it free.

After twenty years in Britain, this seemed a delightfully improbable notion, the idea of a faceless government bureaucracy thanking me and my fellow townspeople for our patronage, but I was impressed andgrateful—and, I must say, it was good to be reminded that postal employees are not just mindless automatons who spend their days mangling letters and whimsically sending my royalty checks to a guy in Vermont named Bill Bubba but rather are dedicated, highly trained individuals who spend their days mangling letters and sending my royalty checks to a guy in Vermont named Bill Bubba.

Anyway, I was won over utterly. Now I would hate for you to think that my loyalty with respect to postal delivery systems can be cheaply bought with a chocolate twirl doughnut and a Styrofoam cup of coffee, but in fact it can. Much as I admire Britain's Royal Mail, it has never once offered me a morning snack, so I have to tell you that as I strolled home from my errand, wiping crumbs from my face, my thoughts toward American life in general and the U.S. Postal Service in particular were pretty incomparably favorable.

But, as nearly always with government services, it couldn't last. When I got home, the day's mail was on the mat. There among the usual copious invitations to acquire new credit cards, save a rain forest, become a life member of the National Incontinence Foundation, add my name (for a small fee) to the Who's Who of People Named Bill in New England, help the National Rifle Association with its Arm-a-Toddler campaign, and the scores of other unsought inducements, special offers, and solicitations that arrive each day at every American home—well, there among this mass was a forlorn and mangled letter that I had sent forty-one days earlier to a friend in California care of his place of employment and that was now being returned to me marked "Insufficient Address—Get Real and Try Again" or words to that effect.

At the sight of this I issued a small, despairing sigh, and not merely because I had just sold the U.S. Postal Service my soul for a doughnut. It happens that I had recently read an article on wordplay in the Smithsonian magazine in which the author asserted that some puckish soul had once sent a letter addressed, with playful ambiguity, to

HILL
JOHN
MASS

and it had gotten there after the postal authorities had worked out that it was to be read as "John Underhill, Andover, Mass." (Get it?)

It's a nice story, and I would truly like to believe it, but the fate of my letter to California seemed to suggest a need for caution with regard to the postal service and its sleuthing abilities. The problem with my letter was that I had addressed it to my friend merely "c/o Black Oak Books, Berkeley, California," without a street name or number because I didn't know either. I appreciate that that is not a complete address, but it is a lot more explicit than "Hill John Mass" and anyway Black Oak Books is a Berkeley institution. Anyone who knows the city—and I had assumed in my quaintly naive way that that would include Berkeley postal authorities—would know Black Oak Books. But evidently not. (Goodness knows, incidentally, what my letter had been doing in California for nearly six weeks, though it came back with a nice tan and an urge to get in touch with its inner feelings.)

Now just to give this plaintive tale a little heartwarming perspective, let me tell you that not long before I departed from England, the Royal Mail had brought me, within forty-eight hours of its posting in London, a letter addressed to "Bill Bryson, Writer, Yorkshire Dales," which is a pretty impressive bit of sleuthing. (And never mind that the correspondent was a trifle off his head.)

So here I am, my affections torn between a postal service that never feeds me but can tackle a challenge and one that gives me free tape and prompt service but won't help me out when I can't remember a street name. The lesson to draw from this, of course, is that when you move from one country to another you have to accept that there are some things that are better and some things that are worse, and there is nothing you can do about it. That may not be the profoundest of insights to take away from a morning's outing, but I did get a free doughnut as well, so on balance I guess I'm happy.

Now if you will excuse me I have to drive to Vermont and collect some mail from a Mr. Bubba.

(Some months after this piece was written, I received a letter from England addressed to "Mr. Bill Bryson, Author of 'A Walk in the Woods,' Lives Somewhere in New Hampshire, America." It arrived without comment or emendation just five days after it was mailed. My congratulations to the U.S. Postal Service for an unassailable triumph.)


Excerpted from
I'm a Stranger Here Myself: Notes on Returning to America after Twenty Years Away, by Bill Bryson
From the Audio Cassette edition.
Buy this book at Barnes& Noble

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No. 1

Garmin Forerunner 305 With Heart Rate Monitor
Garmin's next-generation, sleek and stylish line of personal trainers--the Forerunner 305 Portable Navigator. This taskmaster will continually push you to do your personal best. The Forerunner 305 Portable Navigator combines all of the popular features with a high-sensitivity GPS receiver, new courses feature, and robust ANT wireless heart rate monitor for optimal performance. It continuously monitors your heart rate, speed, distance, pace and calories burned so you can train smarter, more effectively. It tracks your every move with a super-sensitive GPS that even works on tree-covered trails and near tall buildings. Receive a detailed post-workout analysis on the PC with included Garmin Training Center software.

No. 2

Garmin StreetPilot c340 Traffic Ready Vehicle GPS Navigator
Beat the Traffic Before it Beats You The StreetPilot c340 provides in-car navigation that is simple for anyone to use directly out of the box. After selecting a destination from the user-friendly touch screen interface, Garmins text-to-speech feature tells users the name of the street, when to turn, and in what direction. If you miss your turn, the c340 automatically calculates a new route to the destination. Notification of traffic delays is a c340 option that lets drivers see congested areas via a color-coded map. This feature lets users avoid traffic by simply pushing a button that will calculate a new route. This traffic awareness is made possible via the new Garmin GTM 10 FM TMC receiver that connects to selected Garmin street navigation products. The GTM 10 receives digital data from specific FM broadcast stations in select major metro areas throughout the United States and Europe. The StreetPilot c340 comes preprogrammed with highly detailed City Navigator NT street data of the entire United States, Canada, and Puerto Rico. The database features nearly six million points of interestincluding hotels, restaurants, gas stations, ATMs, and attractions. As an added benefit, you can now import customized points of interest with the help of Garmin's free POI Loader software. The possibilities are endless upload safety cameras or school zones, and you will receive a warning if you are traveling too fast. In addition, an optional proximity-alert feature notifies you of upcoming custom POIs. The StreetPilot c340 joins Garmins growing line of automotive GPS navigators. It has a bright, 3.5-inch diagonal, TFT display with touchscreen; dual integrated speakers for high-quality voice prompts; and an internal lithium-ion battery for out-of-car route planning. Users can customize their units appearance with an array of colored faceplates (sold separately).

No. 3

Garmin Edge 305HR
Take your ride to the next level with the Edge 305HR Automobile Navigator, Garmin's GPS-enabled, personal trainer and cycle computer. From competitive road racing to mountain biking, the cyclist-friendly, lightweight Edge will help you achieve your personal best. With the easy-to-use Edge 305HR Automobile Navigator on your bike, you'll always know where you're going and how far you've gone.
For advanced cyclists, the Edge 305HR Automobile Navigator comes packaged with a heart rate monitor and/or wireless speed/pedaling cadence sensor to provide valuable feedback. In addition, the Edge 305HR Automobile Navigator incorporates a barometric altimeter for extremely accurate elevation and vertical profile data.
The Edge 305HR Automobile Navigator with heart rate lets you see whether you are training too hard or not enough. The heart rate monitor uses a robust ANT wireless technology that eliminates cross-talk and interference to reliably measure and send heart rate data to the Edge via a soft, comfortable chest strap. This data is stored with each track point for post-workout analysis.

No. 4

Garmin GPS Etrex Vista HCX, Trip and Waypoin
Deep foliage, nor canyons faze the rugged eTrex Vista HCx. Its high-sensitivity receiver holds a GPS signal in the toughest environments. Similar to the Vista Cx, this handheld navigator also has a bright color screen, barometric altimeter, electronic compass, microSD card slot and automatic routing for wherever adventure takes you.
Enjoy Clear Reception: With its high-sensitivity, WAAS-enabled GPS receiver, eTrex Vista HCx locates your position quickly and precisely and maintains its GPS location even in heavy cover and deep canyons. The advantage is clear, whether you're in deep woods or just near tall buildings and trees, you can count on Vista HCx to help you find your way when you need it the most.
Get Your Bearings: The Vista HCx has a built-in electronic compass that provides bearing information even while you're standing still, and its barometric altimeter tracks changes in pressure to pinpoint your precise altitude. You can even use the altimeter to plot barometric pressure over time, which can help you keep an eye on changing weather conditions.
Expand Your Memory: Adding maps is easier than ever with Vista HCx's microSD card slot. Conveniently plug in optional preloaded microSD cards with MapSource data for your land and sea excursions. Just insert a MapSource card with detailed street maps, and Vista HCx provides turn-by-turn directions to your destination. The card slot is located inside the waterproof battery compartment, so you don't have to worry about getting it wet.
Take It Anywhere: Like the rest of the eTrex series, Vista HCx is lightweight and compact, the perfect size for all your travels.

No. 5

Garmin GPS Nuvi 200 City Navigator North
Navigate without breaking your budget with nuvi 200. This affordable entry-level Personal Travel Assistant comes with preloaded maps for the continental U.S., Hawaii and Puerto Rico or regional coverage in other areas. Like all nuvi 200-series members, the 200 features an easy-to-use colorful touch screen and ultra-slim design perfect for everyday navigation.
nvi 200 comes preloaded with City Navigator NT map data for the continental U.S., Hawaii and Puerto Rico (no Alaska or Canada detail) or one European region or country. Simply touch the color sunlight-readable screen to enter a destination, and nvi takes you there with 2D or 3D maps and turn-by-turn voice directions. In addition, nuvi 200 accepts custom points of interest (POIs) such as school zones and safety cameras and lets you set proximity alerts to warn you of upcoming POIs.
nuvi 200 features many travel tools, including JPEG picture viewer, world travel clock with time zones, currency converter, measurement converter, calculator and more. It also comes with Garmin Lock, an anti-theft feature, and configurable vehicle icons that let you select car-shaped graphics to show your location on the map. Optional plug-in SD cards for Garmin Travel Guides and Garmin SaversGuide provide detailed data for attractions and information on nearby merchants offering discounts, so you can customize nuvi for your travel needs.

No. 6

Garmin GPS Nuvi 260 Text To Speech - US
Bring the ultra-cool nvi 260 Automobile Navigator along for the ride, and arrive on time and in style. Similar to nvi 250, nvi 260 is attractively-priced and simple to use. Plus, this sleek, slim navigator comes with turn-by-turn voice directions that announce the name of streets as you navigate, so you can keep your eyes on the road. With nvi 260 you're just a few screen taps away from anywhere.
Navigate With Ease: nvi 260 comes ready to go right out of the box with preloaded City Navigator NT street maps, including a hefty points of interest (POIs) database with hotels, restaurants, fuel, ATMs and more. It even announces the name of exits and streets so you never have to take your eyes off the road. Simply touch the color screen to enter a destination, and nvi takes you there with 2D or 3D maps and turn-by-turn voice directions. In addition, nvi 260 accepts custom points of interest (POIs), such as school zones and safety cameras and lets you set proximity alerts to warn you of upcoming POIs.
Take It With You: Like the rest of the nvi 200-series, nvi 260 sports a sleek, slim design and fits comfortably in your pocket or purse. Its rechargeable lithium-ion battery makes it convenient for navigation by car or foot.
Go Beyond Navigation: Navigation is just the beginning. nvi 260 includes many travel tools including JPEG picture viewer, world travel clock with time zones, currency converter, measurement converter, calculator and more. It also comes with Garmin Lock, an anti-theft feature, and configurable vehicle icons that let you select car-shaped graphics to show your location on the map. Optional plug-in SD cards let you add additional features. Purchase Garmin Travel Guides for detailed data on attractions and our SaversGuide for information on nearby merchants offering discounts to customize nvi for your travel needs.

No. 7

Garmin Nuvi 670 Personal Travel Assistant
Go from North America to Europe without loading more maps with the transatlantic nuvi 670. This pocket sized Personal Travel Assistant comes with built-in street maps for both continents, making traveling abroad so easy. Similar to the 660, nuvi 670 includes a colorful widescreen, hands-free calling, traffic alerts and FM transmitter, then takes it to the next level with even more maps.Navigate with Easenuvi 670 comes ready to go right out of the box with preloaded City Navigator NT street maps for both North America and Europe, including a hefty points of interest (POIs) database with hotels, restaurants, fuel, ATMs and more. Simply touch the sunlight-readable color screen to enter a destination, and nuvi takes you there with 2D or 3D maps and turn-by-turn voice directions. It even announces the name of exits and streets so you never have to take your eyes off the road. In addition, nuvi 670 accepts custom POIs, such as school zones and safety cameras and lets you set proximity alerts to warn you of upcoming POIs. It also supports configurable vehicle icons fun, customized car-shaped icons in a variety of colors that show your position on the map.See Morenuvi 670 features a super-bright 4.3" widescreen display for improved map viewing, POI lookup and MP3/audio book playback. This landscape display has white backlight and a touch screen for easy use.Make Hands-free CallsTalk about worry-free driving. nuvi 670 integrates Bluetooth wireless technology with a built-in microphone and speaker, so you can pair it with your compatible Bluetooth phone. Then talk hands-free through the 670 while staying focused on the road. Simply dial numbers with nuvi's touchscreen keypad to make a call. To answer calls, just tap nuvi's screen and speak directly into its built-in microphone. You can also easily look up and dial numbers from your personalized phone book or from your phones call history log. With 1-touch dialing for points of interest (POIs), you can conveniently call ahead for reservations or information.Avoid Traffic Tie-UpsSteer clear of traffic with nuvi 670's integrated FM TMC traffic receiver. Receive alerts about traffic tie-ups and road construction that lie ahead on your route. Then simply touch nuvi's screen to view traffic details or detour around the problem area.Go Beyond NavigationNavigation is just the beginning. nuvi 670 includes many must have entertainment and travel tools including an MP3 player, audio book player (subscription to Audible.com required), JPEG picture viewer, currency converters and more. With nuvi 670's wireless FM transmitter, you can hear audio, including voice prompts, MP3s and audio books, through your vehicle's stereo. Optional software on plug-and-play SD cards for language translation, detailed travel guide and savings programs allow you to customize your nuvi for your travel needs. nuvi 670: It's a whole nu way to travel.

No. 8

Mio Technology DigiWalker H610 Handheld GPS with MP3 Player
The Mio DigiWalker H610 is a stylish, handheld personal navigation and digital entertainment device. Perfect for anyone who would enjoy real time directions or entertainment while driving, bicycling or walking; the H610 combines high fashion, high accurate GPS functionality, comprehensive point of interest location and a feature-rich digital media player all in a single device. No Downloads Required - Preloaded maps of North America (50 US states & Canada) will have you up and running in minutes. Keep Entertainment at Hand - The H610 has something for everyone. Enjoy your digital video, photos and music, or play one of four included video games. WorldMate - Check weather, convert currencies, get flight info and much more. Free 3 year subscription included. You'll never want to travel without it. Voice Guidance and Choice of Languages - Clear voice instructions and user-friendly menus in 16 languages, including English, French and Spanish.

No. 9

Garmin GPS Nuvi 200W Clamshell
With its easy-to-use touchscreen, preloaded maps of North America or Europe and widescreen display, the affordable nvi 200W delivers directions on the go, wherever life takes you. For an additional cost savings, check out nvi 200W which offers less map coverage at a lower price.
See More: With nvi 200W's widescreen display, you'll always get the big picture. View map detail, driving directions, photos and more in bright, brilliant color. Its sunlight-readable, antiglare, landscape, 4.3-inch display with white backlight is easy to read from any direction.
Navigate with Ease: nvi 200W comes ready to go right out of the box with preloaded City Navigator NT street maps, including a hefty points of interest (POIs) database with hotels, restaurants, fuel, ATMs and more. Simply touch the color screen to enter a destination, and nvi takes you there with 2D or 3D maps and turn-by-turn voice directions. In addition, nvi 200W accepts custom points of interest (POIs), such as school zones and safety cameras and lets you set proximity alerts to warn you of upcoming POIs.
Take It With You: Like the rest of the nvi 200-series, nvi 200W sports a sleek, slim design and fits comfortably in your pocket or purse. Its rechargeable lithium-ion battery makes it convenient for navigation by car or foot.
Go Beyond Navigation: Navigation is just the beginning. nvi 200W includes many travel tools including JPEG picture viewer, world travel clock with time zones, currency converter, measurement converter, calculator and more. It also comes with Garmin Lock, an anti-theft feature, and configurable vehicle icons that let you select car-shaped graphics to show your location on the map. Optional plug-in SD cards let you add additional features. Purchase Garmin Travel Guides for detailed data on attractions and our SaversGuide for information on nearby merchants offering discounts to customize nvi for your travel needs.

No. 10

Garmin GPS Nuvi 650 City Navigator North
Get widescreen navigation at a price that won't break your budget with nuvi 650. This affordable Personal Travel Assistant comes with many of the popular features found in the nuvi 660 minus Bluetooth wireless technology, an integrated traffic receiver and FM transmitter perfect for everyday navigation.
nuvi 650 features a super-bright 4.3" widescreen display for improved map viewing, POI lookup and MP3/audio book playback. This landscape display has white backlight and a touch screen for easy use. nuvi 650 comes ready to go right out of the box with preloaded City Navigator NT street maps, including a hefty point of interest (POIs) database with hotels, restaurants, fuel, ATMs and more. Simply touch the sunlight-readable color screen to enter a destination, and nuvi takes you there with 2D or 3D maps and turn-by-turn voice directions. It even announces the name of exits and streets so you never have to take your eyes off the road.
In addition, nuvi 650 accepts custom points of interest, such as school zones and safety cameras and lets you set proximity alerts to warn you of upcoming POIs. The European version even includes a preloaded safety camera database containing the location of safety cameras for parts of Europe.
nuvi 650 includes many entertainment and travel tools including MP3 player, audio book player (subscription to Audible.com required), JPEG picture viewer, currency converters and more. It also comes with optional FM traffic alerts, Garmin Lock (an anti-theft feature) and configurable vehicle icons that let you select car-shaped graphics to show your location on the map. Optional software on plug-and-play SD cards for language translation, detailed travel guide and savings program allows you to customize your nvi for your travel needs.

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Irv's Travel Tips

Your Health	Etiquette	Money, Documents, Passports	Packing	Security
Your Health Talk to your travel agent about any shots or health precautions. Anything required? If shots are required, plan in advance with your physician. This should enable you to avoid any side effects as you travel. If medication is required, carry 2 sets, one in your luggage, and one with you. Also keep prescription labels with you for replacement. Some travel time should be devoted for Rest and relaxation. A travel pillow and/ or eye mask is very helpful. Before and all through your journey drink plenty of water and get a lot of rest. To readjust to the time zones, take short naps. This is the best help. Check out the US State Department home page to see the latest updates on the country you are visiting, to be up to date on the health and political bulletins, and for other important travel information.  Back to Top Etiquette Be aware of language use, dining etiquette along with appropriate dress and other customs associated with where you are in the world. This will contribute greatly to the success of your trip.  Back to Top Money, Documents, Passports Copies of passports, visas, and any other important documents should be made in case of loss or theft. Some foreign currency should be purchased ahead of traveling abroad for ground transportation and tipping. You can stop by your local bank to exchange up a small amount of foreign currency before you travel abroad. Click here to go to check the current foreign exchange rate for your travel destination.  Back to Top Packing Pack tightly. Packing loosely wastes precious space and causes clothes to wrinkle. Use a divider shelf to separate accessories, irregularly shaped items, and shoes from your garments. You may also want to stuff your shoes with underwear or socks so they won't be crushed during your travels. Suits, dresses, shirts, and blouses should be packed in a plastic dry cleaner bags to limit wrinkling. Roll pajamas, nightgowns, sweaters, and other casual wear to fill small spaces when possible, BUT don't cram your suitcase full. If you have to force your luggage to close, remove a few items to prevent broken hinges or zippers along the way. Try the "interweaving method" of packing for your next trip. Drape longer garments such as dresses and pants around the suitcase with the ends hanging over the sides. Then fold shorter items such as jackets, shirts and blouses around the longer garments so that the clothes cushion each other. Placing a piece of tissue paper between each layer of clothing will help prevent wrinkling. Pack each item one at a time in a clockwise direction. When you have filled the bottom of the suitcase, begin the next layer packing each item in a counter clockwise direction. In this way, you will form one complete package of your clothes, eliminating wrinkles and securing all of your contents. Always carry your travel documents, medication, jewelry, traveler's checks, keys and other valuables in your hand luggage. These items should NEVER be packed in luggage you plan to check. To avoid travel delays when you depart check with the Transportation Security Administration to verifythat the items you are carrying on the plane are allowed onto the aircraft. You'll find a complete list of prohibited items on TSA website. Back to Top Security Lock your luggage to avoid accidental opening due to rough handling or cabin pressure, and carry the keys in your hand luggage. Remove old claim checks to avoid confusing baggage handlers about your current destination. Identify your luggage both inside and outside with your name, address and telephone number, and make sure the outside tag is securely fastened to your luggage. Airport security has changed dramatically since the tragic events of September 11, 2001. To ensure you get through security check points and to avoid travel delays, be sure to check the Transportation Security Administration's Tips for Travelers and Consumers before you fly. Back to Top

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Travels in Small-Town America

I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to. When you come from Des Moines you either accept the fact without question and settle down with a local girl named Bobbi and get a job at the Firestone factory and live there forever and ever, or you spend your adolescence moaning at length about what a dump it is and how you can't wait to get out, and then you settle down with a local girl named Bobbi and get a job at the Firestone factory and live there forever and ever.

Hardly anyone ever leaves. This is because Des Moines is the most powerful hypnotic known to man. Outside town there is a big sign that says, WELCOME TO DES MOINES. THIS IS WHAT DEATH IS LIKE. There isn't really. I just made that up. But the place does get a grip on you. People who have nothing to do with Des Moines drive in off the interstate, looking for gas or hamburgers, and stay forever. There's a New Jersey couple up the street from my parents' house whom you see wandering around from time to time looking faintly puzzled but strangely serene. Everybody in Des Moines is strangely serene.

The only person I ever knew in Des Moines who wasn't serene was Mr. Piper. Mr. Piper was my parents' neighbor, a leering, cherry-faced idiot who was forever getting drunk and crashing his car into telephone poles. Everywhere you went you encountered telephone poles and road signs leaning dangerously in testimony to Mr. Piper's driving habits. He distributed them all over the west side of town rather in the way dogs mark trees. Mr. Piper was the nearest possible human equivalent to Fred Flintstone, but less charming. He was a Shrinerand a Republican — a Nixon Republican — and he appeared to feel he had a mission in life to spread offense. His favorite pastime, apart from getting drunk and crashing his car, was to get drunk and insult the neighbors, particularly us because we were Democrats, though he was prepared to insult Republicans when we weren't available.

Eventually, I grew up and moved to England. This irritated Mr. Piper almost beyond measure. It was worse than being a Democrat. Whenever I was in town, Mr. Piper would come over and chide me. "I don't know what you're doing over there with all those Limeys," he would say provocatively. "They're not clean people."

"Mr. Piper, you don't know what you're talking about," I would reply in my affected British accent. "You are a cretin." You could talk like that to Mr. Piper because (1) he was a cretin and (2) he never listened to anything that was said to him.

"Bobbi and I went over to London two years ago and our hotel room didn't even have a bathroom in it," Mr. Piper would go on. "If you wanted to take a leak in the middle of the night you had to walk about a mile down the hallway. That isn't a clean way to live."

"Mr. Piper, the English are paragons of cleanliness. It is a well-known fact that they use more soap per capita than anyone else in Europe."

Mr. Piper would snort derisively at this. "That doesn't mean diddly-squat, boy, just because they're cleaner than a bunch of Krauts and Eye-ties. My God, a dog's cleaner than a bunch of Krauts and Eye-ties. And I'll tell you something else: If his daddy hadn't bought Illinois for him, John F. Kennedy would never have been elected president."

I had lived around Mr. Piper long enough not to be thrown by this abrupt change of tack. The theft of the 1960 presidential election was a longstanding plaint of his, one that he brought into the conversation every ten or twelve minutes regardless of the prevailing drift of the discussion. In 1963, during Kennedy's funeral, someone in the Waveland Tap punched Mr. Piper in the nose for making that remark. Mr. Piper was so furious that he went straight out and crashed his car into a telephone pole. Mr. Piper is dead now, which is of course one thing that Des Moines prepares you for.

When I was growing up I used to think that the best thing about coming from Des Moines was that it meant you didn't come from anywhere else in Iowa. By Iowa standards, Des Moines is a mecca of cosmopolitanism, a dynamic hub of wealth and education, Where people wear three-piece suits and dark socks, often simultaneously. During the annual state high-school basketball tournament, when the hayseeds from out in the state would flood into the city for a week, we used to accost them downtown and snidely offer to show them how to ride an escalator or negotiate a revolving door. This wasn't always so far from reality. My friend Stan, when he was about sixteen, had to go and stay with his cousin in some remote, dusty hamlet called Dog Water or Dunceville or some such improbable spot — the kind of place where if a dog gets run over by a truck everybody goes out to have a look at it. By the second week, delirious with boredom, Stan insisted that he and his cousin drive the fifty miles into the county town, Hooterville, and find something to do. They went bowling at an alley with warped lanes and chipped balls and afterwards had a chocolate soda and looked at a Playboy in a drugstore, and on the way home the cousin sighed with immense satisfaction and said, "Gee thanks, Stan. That was the best time I ever had in my whole life!" It's true.

I had to drive to Minneapolis once, and I went on a back road just to see the country. But there was nothing to see...

Excerpted from

The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
by Bill Bryson
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These ar the Jansport best-sellers:


The JanSport Equinox is at home in the classroom or on the trail. Two large main compartments and a front utility pocket provide enough space to keep all your gear organized.
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Airlift® straps keep "big" from equaling "heavy." The Odyssey is the perfect multipurpose backpack for the person who is going to work/school in the morning and a hike in the afternoon.
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JanSport Endeavor Approach is a lightweight roll-top pack that’s great for winter day ascents or technical ice climbing.
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The Hemi now offers a padded laptop sleeve that fits a laptop with dimensions of 12.75" x 11" x 2.25", 80mm wide inline skate wheels for better maneuvering and a two stage retractable handle that extends 22".
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The 27" Expandable Upright by JanSport is the perfect bag for travelers looking for more from their bags.
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